I'll be missing you
by Frayed Misfit
Summary: OotP spoiler. mild RS slash, depressing. [complete]


**I'll be missing you.**

The Remus/Sirius slash that I promised that I would never write. 

The passion is to deep, I could not help myself. OotP Spoiler. 

Disclaimer: Sirius and Remus are not mine, they belong to Jo who probably does not have impure thoughts about them being together. Poor thing. If you are against mild slash (male/male action) do not read as it will offend your homophobic mind.

Songfic ... original lyrics by Puff Daddy (P. Diddy) I'll be missing you.

note: _Yeah ... this right here  
Goes out, to everyone, that has lost someone  
That they truly loved._

* * *

The rain sang a dreary tune as it hammered against the windows of the train. The country side flashed passed in a patchwork of assorted browns and greens, alternating between cultivated and un-cultivated land. Cottages like doll houses stationed themselves in neat rows behind perfect white picket fences. The still photograph that was so dearly treasured floated to the floor, spiralling with the trains air conditioning system. It landed face up, four faces were captured there. Two were now dead, one a traitor and the other had no direction, no idea where this cruel journey was leading him blindfolded.

Remus' hands itched to gently caress the fallen photograph, to lock it away with other memories of happier days. He stared at his own face imprisoned upon the paper. So youthful, carefree, full of passion and lust, full of Sirius.

_Seems like yesterday we used to rock the show  
I laced the track, you locked the flow  
  
_Sirius tossed back his head in a casual swing. His lips full and blooming. Remus wanted to touch him, to have him. His eyes always challenging, knowing what it was that Remus wanted. He placed an arm around Remus' shoulders and pulled him into his chest, the dull 'thud, thud' that was his heartbeat made Remus' pulse race. The hand that stroked his hair lovingly and pulled on his ear playfully made Remus want to scream in the pain of love and smile, smile, smile.  
_  
Life ain't always what it seem to be (uh-uh)  
Words can't express what you mean to me_

"Hey Moony" Sirius chimed in a sing-song voice, closing the door to the bedroom in the Shrieking shack.   
Remus felt relieved by the sight of his friend, his pain beginning to be erased from his tired body.   
"Brought you some pumpkin juice. Your favourite." He moved towards the bed, his school shirt half un-tucked, his tie in a loose knot. A colourful line of boxers visible above his loose pants.   
Remus struggled to sit up. The moon had been strong. It had collected all of his power, his life and hurried away taking a long list of bruises, scars and blood with it. His three friends had not been much comfort as he struggled to keep a firm grasp on his own mind before it slipped into that of a monster.   
_  
Even though you're gone, we're still a team  
Through your family, I'll fulfil your dream (that's right)_

Sirius' body shivered violently next to Remus' as they lay silently in his four-poster. The effects of the crutacious curse were long lasting. Especially if the yielder of the curse was strong. Regulus had grown stronger since he swore allegiance to the dark lord. The Black family had ripped him apart and left him naked and shaking. They had torn down the barrier that had held Sirius together, the fragile web that made everyone fall in love with his barking laugh and goofy smile. But it had allowed Remus' to love Sirius on a deeper level, he had poured out his soul into Remus' hands, Remus had done the same back. Their deepest fears, raunchiest fantasies, most untouchable dreams. Remus placed a kiss on the back of Sirius' neck and wrapped his muscular arms around his shaking form, muttering sweet-nothings into his back.   
_  
In the future, can't wait to see  
If you'll open up the gates for me_

Lily blushed furiously in the doorway. Sirius coughed, gently sliding from Remus' back and covering himself and Remus with the blanket.   
"ah, I just ... err ... wanted to say that, James wanted you to come down for drinks" she finished quickly, snapping the door shut behind her, footsteps echoing quickly down the hall.   
"Bugger" Sirius commented, tracing a finger around Remus' navel. Remus lay there in shock, Lily shouldn't have seen that. How long had she been standing there until Sirius noticed her? Shit Shit Shit.   
Sirius laughed, dragging kisses down his neck, rolling one leg over his body, "Lighten up, James already has a fair idea what we get up to, he's not really going to give a fig."   
Remus rolled away from Sirius grasp and sat up on the side of the bed, feeling quite ill. It wasn't James he worried about, it was Lily, pure, beautiful Lily.   
_  
Reminisce some time, the night they took my friend (uh-huh)  
Try to black it out, but it plays again  
  
"_'Come on, you can do better than that!' he yelled, his voice echoing around the cavernous room.  
The second jet of light hit him squarely on the chest.  
The laughter had not quiet died from his face, but his eyes widened in shock._  
_Harry released Neville, though he was unaware of doing so. He was jumping down the steps again, pulling out his wand, as Dumbledore, too, turned towards the dais.   
It seemed to take Sirius an age to fall: his body curved in a graceful arc as he sank backwards through the ragged veil hanging from the arch.  
Harry saw the look of mingled fear and surprise on his godfather's wasted, once-handsome face as he fell through the ancient doorway and disappeared behind the veil, which fluttered for a moment as though in a high wind, then fell back into place.  
Harry heard Bellatrix Lestrange's triumphant scream, but knew he would reappear from the other side any second ...  
But Sirius did not reappear.  
'SIRIUS!' Harry yelled. 'SIRIUS!'  
He had reached the floor, his breath coming in searing gasps. Sirius must be just behind the curtain, he, Harry, would pull him back out ...  
But as he reached the ground and sprinted towards the dais, Lupin grabbed Harry around the chest, holding him back.  
'There's nothing you can do, Harry -'  
'Get him, save him, he's only just gone through!'  
'- it's too late, Harry.'  
'We can still reach him -' Harry struggled hard and viciously, but Lupin would not let go ...  
'There's nothing you can do, Harry ... nothing ... he's gone.'"  
_  
When it's real, feelings hard to conceal  
Can't imagine all the pain I feel  
  
_Remus knew that his cheeks were wet, that his eyes were red and blotchy. His second and last best friend to die, his lover. He sat slumped in the chair opposite Dumbledore, as he had many times before during his own school days at Hogwarts. Dumbledore sat quietly his hands folded on top of the desk, looking at Remus' sadly through his half moon glasses._  
_"Why?' he choked, his own tears suffocating him. "Why Sirius, I could live without James, barely, but not Sirius ... not Sirius" his body shook uncontrollably. "not Sirius, not Sirius, not Sirius, not Sirius, not Sirius, not Sirius, not Sirius." the words became a blur, Remus' voice becoming louder and more pronounced with each saying. Dumbledore moved a hand across the table to place on Remus' shaking arm.  
"Don't touch me!" Remus roared, throwing Dumbledore's hand off him and pushing himself off the chair and away from Dumbledore's penetrating glare. He didn't know what it was like. His heart had fallen beyond the veil with Sirius. How could anyone ever know what that was like. _  
  
Give anything to hear half your breath (half your breath)  
I know you still living your life, after death_

He's not dead. Look after Harry, be happy in your denial. Remus smiled, it did not quite reach his eyes but he was beginning to learn how to use those muscles again. He's not dead.

_Every step I take, every move I make  
Every single day, every time I pray  
I'll be missing you  
Thinking of the day, when you went away  
What a life to take, what a bond to break  
I'll be missing you_

The photograph floated to the floor. Your breath on my face, your warm gentle kiss, I taste the truth.

_One black morning  
When this life is over  
I know  
I'll see your face_

My dream was to live forever in the arms of Sirius. That, that was were I belonged, where I was safe, happy and above all loved. We swore eternal love, shared dreams, secrets and fears. We began to accept who we were and we loved more than some people experience in their entire lifetimes. Yet, here I am, alone and almost lost without him, hanging on by the memories we created. Life will never be the same without my angel, not a day will pass that my thoughts won't be spared for him. Rest now and be at peace, for my love is yours until eternity.

_Every night I pray, every step I take  
Every move I make, every single day  
Every night I pray, every step I take  
Every day that passes  
Every move I make, every single day  
Is a day that I get closer  
To seeing you again  
Every night I pray, every step I take  
I miss you Big... and I won't stop  
Every move I make, every single day  
Cause I can't stop... that's right  
Every night I pray, every step I take  
Every move I make, every single day  
I miss you_

**end.**

* * *

A/N: hmmmm ... interesting. Didn't think I could actually do that. So much personal crap involved. Some parts actually come from my personal diary, but I'm not saying which or why. My business and not yours. 

Big whoop-de-fucking-doo if u don't like Sirius and Remus together. Sometimes I do, and I write for myself and not for anyone else, therefore this fic was for me, not you. But you can enjoy it if ya want. =)

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**please.**


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